I recently popped back on Facebook this weekend (not for long), and the first post I saw was by a friend of mine. Now, her post wasn’t the issue—it was the comments that were the issue. Her post asked if anyone has ever ghosted and whether there are situations where ghosting is acceptable. It’s a great question.
First, I will tell you what I expected to see based on my experiences with dating. I expected to see most men say that they are against ghosting and that people should at least say if they are not feeling it and do not want to continue. Then, I expected women to say that ghosting is okay. Let me explain why I expected these two answers.
Most dating apps are dominated by men. I think, in most dating apps or websites, men are the majority of users. Through my experience, my friends’ experiences, and just content I’ve seen online, it seems as if the general consensus is that women tend to have 100 times more likes/matches than men do. I think it is because men tend to swipe on any woman, while women are a little more selective with their swipes.
So, when a man finally gets a match and tries his hardest to impress the woman with unique greetings, care, and questions, and then she ghosts him, that stings. But going along the same road, when that does happen, there was a trend years ago—one that still seems alive—of men berating women for telling them they don’t want to continue the dating process or conversation. I had an ex-friend who was exposed for doing that by a woman. It is disgusting, in my opinion. But it is also dangerous. If that is what the man is willing to say online, I understand the fear women feel.
Based on all that information, you can see why I would expect men to hate ghosting and women to feel that they need to ghost in order to stay safe. Are you ready for what the answers actually were? I am going to add quotes around them but change them a bit so that I am not using someone’s actual comments.
The question is: Have you ever ghosted, and are there situations where ghosting is appropriate?
Male: “Yes. You don’t owe anything to that person. If you have gone on a few dates, then being honest might be necessary…”
Male: “It depends. If you just started talking and the other person is not showing much effort, then ghosting is okay. Although, if you two have been talking a lot, it is better to be honest and say how you are feeling.”
Female: “I’ve done it, but only when it was needed, like if the man was weird or creepy. Most of the time, I am honest and tell them if I don’t feel any type of connection. But I have been ghosted in the past, more times than I want to admit.”
Female: “People cannot deal with the emotional maturity it takes to be told something negative like not wanting to continue to move forward. They can get confrontational, and I don’t feel safe taking the conversation there. Honestly, walking away from a relationship without an explanation is better because it feels more hurtful to tell someone the truth.”
Female: “When I was younger, if I did not feel a vibe or if the conversation was dry, then the relationship or dating would just slowly fade away, or I would stop answering them. As an adult and more mature, if I don’t feel a connection, I am honest and will just tell them how I am feeling and that I do not want to continue. Ghosting someone can put them in a harmful mental state. I feel ghosting is only appropriate when the situation is dangerous for the female.”
Male: “I have been ghosted, but have not ghosted someone. I feel being honest is simple when you are just talking to someone.”
Alright, it seems there was a bit of a mix in terms of responses. A couple of themes I noticed were: if the situation is dangerous, then ghosting is acceptable; being honest is simple; and if you don’t feel a connection, then just ghost with no explanation.
Here are my thoughts:
I do agree that if the situation is dangerous for either gender of any sexuality and it truly is not safe to tell the person how you feel, then ghosting is acceptable. I understand that it is simple to be honest, but the simplicity in the communicator being honest is not the issue. The issue is how the other person will react to the honesty.
A person can simply say, “I am not feeling a connection like I hoped, and I don’t want to continue this.” You do not understand how that simple truth can be taken by different people. Some will respect their decision and move on, or they may even ask for feedback on what turned them off—both are appropriate. But others will get enraged and will take their anger out on that person. Can you imagine if the person who is mad knows where the other lives? Sure, you may not do anything, but others will take it personally, go to the person’s house, and harass them—or worse. So, if a person is in a situation like that or feels that they might be, then I think ghosting is appropriate.
Other than the idea that honesty is easy but can be dangerous, there was the theme of “If I don’t like you, I don’t have to be honest, and I don’t have to explain.” Some of the reasons I saw for this theme were that if dating was early on, people don’t owe anyone anything. The reason I gave above is an actual good reason to stop talking to someone without an explanation. This… this is not.
If you do not feel any type of danger or see any dangerous red flags, honesty is the best answer. I liked the rebuttal that talked about how ghosting can harm a person’s mental health. You have to change your perspective.
If you dated for five years and had multiple experiences—some where you only talked, some where you went on a couple of dates, and a few where you went on several dates—and every single person ghosted you, even though you did not give off any dangerous vibe or feeling, I would completely expect you to feel destroyed as a person. You would not know how to continue dating because you would not know what you were doing wrong or at what point people lost interest and why.
That’s why being honest is best.
Let’s say that person edited their profile to seem like they were extroverted, but after getting to know them, they put out more introversion. That is something that you can honestly tell a man or woman. This man or woman is dating while acting like their true self, yet they are constantly ghosted. If you know the reason you want to leave is because they are nothing like their profile, then tell them that. That can help them. They may not have realized their profile portrayed a personality different from their actual one.
This is just one small example of how honesty can help people in this very weird dating time we are in.
Also, if a person ghosted you, wouldn’t you want to know why they left, especially if you were having fun? The more people are honest in good (safe) situations, the more likely they are to receive honesty back if it happens to them.
So what is the consensus?
Well, it seems that gender doesn’t matter as much as I had expected, although the themes I mentioned still hold some truth. People ghost out of feeling unsafe, they ghost because they don’t feel they owe anyone an explanation, and they don’t realize the good honesty can do for someone. And there is a group of daters who want explanations.
I am sorry if you ever get ghosted. I hope that you never do. If you do happen to get an explanation, I pray that you are respectful about the situation. Lastly, I pray that you find your person—someone you can be completely yourself around without needing to present as something you think will attract others.
Thank you for reading!
God bless you all!